My wife keeps asking

Two friends are having a conversation:

  • My wife asks me for $200-$300 every day.
  • Wow, why does she need such amount of money? What does she do?
  • I don’t know, I never gave her that amount of money.

How is that supposed to be easy

Luke asks his wife Ashley:

  • Honey, did you change the password on the computer?
  • Yes, Luke.
  • Can you tell me what the new password is?
  • Sure, it is the date when we met.

Luke hits the table with his hands and says:

  • Damn it!

Phone call

It’s the middle of the night and the phone is ringing. Carl tells his wife Debra:

  • Pick up the phone, if they are looking for me tell them I am not here.

Debra picks up the phones and says:

  • Hello, yeah he is here.

Carl is furious:

  • I’ve told you that you should say that I am not here.

Debra replies:

  • It was a friend of mine.

Good sense of humor honey

Ray and Elizabeth are on a date and Elizabeth asks Ray:

  • Ray, please be honest. What do you like the most about me – my beautiful face or my sexy body?

Ray takes a look at Elizabeth and says:

  • Your sense of humor!

Remember or Forget

Carl looks for advice from the waiter:

  • Waiter, me and my wife are marking our 25th anniversary. Can you recommend us some wine?
  • First of all, I need to know if you are trying to celebrate or are you trying to forget this date.

No way I’m driving you to your mother now!

Jessica wakes up in the middle of the night, scared and disturbed and she tries to wake her husband:

  • Wow, I had such a scary dream and I am still shocked…You know when I was younger and when I had a nightmare I went into my mother’s bed and she soothed and hugged me.

Her husband replies:

  • You are out of your mind! You want me to drive you to your mother’s house, it’s 3:30 AM for Christ sake!

Funny couple

An older couple enters a fast food restaurant. The husband orders one hamburger and one French fries portion. A wealthy man is witnessing the situation and asks if the couple needs another hamburger and portion of French fries.

  • No thanks – the husband says – we share everything.

After 10 minutes the man notices that the wife has not started eating yet and makes the same offer.

  • As I already said, we share everything – the husband replies.
  • But why is your wife still not eating?
  • I am waiting for the dentures – the wife responds.

Maquerade ball

A married couple has been invited to a masquerade ball. On the day of the party the woman doesn’t feel good and decides to stay at home. However, she convinces her husband to go to the party alone. At first he didn’t like the idea at all, but after her being persistent he agrees and goes alone to the party. The woman takes an aspirin and falls asleep. After 30 minutes she wakes up and her headache is gone. Since it was still early she decides to follow her husband. She puts on a sexy costume that her husband hasn’t seen before. Once at the party she right away recognizes her husband in the batman costume. He is dancing pretty wild with any woman who is in his range. She decides to play a little bit wiht him so she goes to him and starts dancing. After a while she whispers him into his ear to go with her to his car. Of course he didn’t have anything against it. They started having sex before they even got to the car. After that she went home right away so she could hide her costume from him, still believing he doesn’t know who that woman was he had sex with.

The next morning she asks him:

  • How was it?
  • It was boring without you…
  • Did you dance at all?
  • You know I don’t like to dance. I met a friend there and we went to play poker with some other guys…
  • The woman gets upset, because she knows he is lying. And just before she wanted to tell him everything, he interrupts her saying:
  • But this one guy whom I borrowed my batman costume, told me afterwards that he danced like never before and that he banged a woman at the parking lot. And imagine, just when he was about to come the condom broke. He wanted to tell the woman, but she disappeared right after that…