Jail is not a nice place

Jail is not a nice place loonyhumor funny monopoly joke

Not all people are emotionally stable enough to play Monopoly. Maybe you should start first with a nice and easy puzzle. After that you can start playing card games. If and only if all family members survive that stage then you can proceed to Monopoly.

Pharmacist slapped the wrong guy

A man enters a pharmacy store and says:

  • Can you please give me a hiccup remedy?

The pharmacist approaches the man closers and slaps him in the face. The man is shocked and asks:

  • But why did you do that?
  • Well this always works and this remedy is completely free!
  • But I was asking for a remedy for my wife…

Bicycle Business Tour

A guy on a bicycle crosses the national border every day carrying a large bag on the back of the bicycle. The customs officers regularly checked the bag but every time they found the same thing – sand.

  • All right. Can you tell me what are you doing? You are certainly not smuggling sand are you? – one of the customs officers says.
  • No – the guy says.
  • I will give you my word that I won’t do anything as long as you tell me the truth – what are you smuggling?
  • All right then, I’ll tell you – I am smuggling bicycles.

I might be drunk but I am not a fool

A police officer stops a car with a man and a woman inside. The police officers asks the man:

  • You look drunk. Why are you driving?
  • All right. I admit. I had a couple of drinks.
  • Does your wife have a license?
  • Yes.
  • Then why don’t you let her drive?
  • I might be drunk but I am not a fool.

Old bills

Two friends walk along a street. All of a sudden a robber with a gun in his hand stops them and asks them for all the money they have. The two friends had no choice and started to empty their wallets and pockets. In that chaos, one of the friends gives a $100 bill to the other friend and says:

  • There you go Jim; these are the $100 I owe you for a month.

Successful Children and their Parents

Three friends are having a conversation about their sons. The first one says:

  • My son is very successful. He started as a regular designer and he now owns a company and even gave a house as a present to his friend.

The second one says:

  • I am really satisfied with my son and his life. He started as a car seller, now he has his own company and he even gave his friend two cars as a present.

The third one says:

  • My son is successful too. He used to be salesman in an electronics store. Now he owns several stores and he bought LCD TV and a really powerful computer to his friend as a gift.

A fourth man joins the conversation and says:

  • My son is not that successful. He is working as a hairstylist and recently he came out of the closet and said that he is a homosexual. On the other hand, his last three boyfriends bought him a house, 2 cars, LCD TV and a computer.

Too much power for one guy

A redneck is driving some really powerful Honda motorcycle. He drives with some insane speed right through the center of the town in the busiest period of the day. He drives around and the motorcycle roars. He asks:

  • Does anyone have a motorcycle like this!?

No one responds. The redneck goes once again:

  • Does anyone have a motorcycle like this!?

He drives up and down and asks the same question.

A guy walking by provoked by the redneck finally says:

  • Yeah, I’ve got a motorcycle like that so what?

The redneck yells:

  • Can you please tell me where the brake is!?

Gullible always end up fucked

A husband decided to teach his wife how to play golf. The woman didn’t know anything about golf so she swings the golf club very hard and the ball flies and breaks the window of a nearby house. Her husband gets really angry and says:

  • We will go together in that house and apologize.

They enter the house and see a young man lying on a sofa next to the window. He asks them what do they want and they say that they came here to apologize. The young man says:

  • Do you see this lamp? I was a genie living in that lamp and when you broke the window, the lamp felt and thanks to you I am now free! I can make one wish true for each of you but the woman needs to spend one night with me because I’ve been in that lamp for a really long time.

The husband wasn’t that happy but agreed after a while. The husband wishes to have billions of dollars and the wife wants some corrections on her body. The woman stays with the genie and at the morning he asks her:

  • Excuse me how old are you and your husband?

The woman says:

  • I am 32 and my husband is 33 years old.
  • And you still believe in genies?

Mind your own business

A guy enters a cab and starts eating a chocolate. The cab driver says:

  • The chocolate can ruin the health of your teeth.

The guy responds:

  • My grandpa died when he was 102 years old.
  • Because he ate chocolate regularly?
  • No, because he was minding his own business.

Mistakes from the past

An old lady in a bus says to a young guy who was sitting:

  • Hey kid, can you please stand up and leave this seat for me? My legs hurt and you are young you can stand without any problems.

The guy asks the old lady:

The old lady says:

  • Of course!

The guy says:

  • And that’s why your legs hurt now.

Only one bar in town

A drunk man enters a bar and orders a whiskey. The bartender looks at him, sees that he is very drunk and says:

  • Get lost. We don’t serve customers that are too drunk.

The man goes out and returns after 10 minutes and asks for one whiskey.

The bartender once again refuses to serve him a whiskey. After 15 minutes the drunk man comes back once again, approaches the bartender and says:

  • Sorry man, but is there any other bar in the city where you don’t work?

A really drunk man

Some guy got drunk in a bar still he continued drinking until the bar closed. When the lights went out he tried to stand up from the chair but once he stood up on his feet he fell down. He thought that this was logical since he drank so much so he decided to crawl to the front door of the bar to take some fresh air and try to stand up once again. So he did and then he tried once more to stand up but again he failed. Since his home was rather close he decided to crawl there. He tried to stand up in front of his house but failed once again but somehow managed to crawl back to his bed. In the morning his wife started yelling:

  • You were drinking last night right!?
  • Who said that?
  • The bartender from that bar called 15 minutes ago you forgot your wheelchair again…

Please mom let me do this

  • Mom can I put some makeup on my face?
  • No.
  • Can I wear a mini skirt?
  • No!
  • Can I wear high heels?
  • Certainly not!
  • But mum, I am 19 years old now!
  • I said no Peter! Stop it!

Sex for vacation

John and his wife Loren decided to save money for a vacation.

They bought a moneybox and placed it in their bedroom. They have decided to put $5 every time they have sex. The time to go on vacation has come and they have decided to open the moneybox and see how much money they have collected. John starts counting and besides $5 bills he sees a lot of $20 and even $100 bills and asks Loren:

  • Loren, what are these bills inside? I have put only $5 bills!?

  • Well honey, not all men are “cheap” like you…

Donate what you can

A father and a son sit at their home when they hear someone ringing on their door bell. The son opens the door and says:

  • How can I help you?
  • We are gathering donations for the new water park.

The kid enters inside and tells his father:

  • Dad, they are from the new water park they are gathering donations.

The father replies:

  • All right son. Give them a bucket of water.

Like father bear like son bear

Papa bear, mama bear and baby bear return to their home. Papa bear looks at his empty plate on the table and says:

  • My plate is empty, someone ate my food!

Baby bear looks at his plate too and says:

  • My plate is empty too! Someone ate my food too!

Mama bear looks at them and says:

  • Stop it! I haven’t served your food yet!

Late for School

A mother is trying to wake up her son:

  • Come on son it is time to go to school.
  • But mum, leave me alone, I don’t want to go school!
  • Come on son you know that you must go.
  • But mum, all the kids hate me, the teachers hate me and even the cleaning ladies dislike me!
  • That’s enough. You must get up and go to school you are the principle in that school!

Sport fairness is very important

A team of elephants played football against a team of mice. At the end of the match one of the elephants says:

  • Hey guys, please accept our apologies if we have injured someone.

One of the mice says:

  • Don’t worry we were very rough too.

Confused polar bear

A polar bear cub asks his mother:

  • Mum, am I really a polar bear?
  • Yes, my son.
  • But, am I really a genuine authentic polar bear?
  • Of course my son!
  • And daddy? Is he a real polar bear too?
  • Of course son…why are you asking these questions?
  • Because I am freezing God damn it!

 

Chase your chickens and stay healthy

An 80-year old man goes to a doctor and the doctor says:

  • I am impressed! You have excellent blood pressure, your complete blood count is great, you walk without any problems…can you tell me what do you do to stay in such shape?
  • Well, I wake up early in the morning every day, I release my chickens in the yard and I chase them whole day. That’s my exercise.
  • That is certainly helpful but I don’t believe that chasing chickens can keep you so healthy and vital. Your genes probably play vital role…can you tell me when did your father die?
  • My father is alive!
  • Alive? But, how old is he?
  • 99.
  • Wow and what www.mindanews.com/buy-effexor/ does he do to stay in shape?
  • The same thing – he I chasing chickens every day.
  • I don’t believe that…how old was your grandfather when he died?
  • Are you insane? He is still alive and healthy.
  • You have a grandfather too!? Don’t tell me that he is chasing chickens every morning.
  • He sure does. But today he couldn’t do it because he is getting married soon; he had some things to finish…
  • He is getting married!? Why the hell does he want to marry when he is probably 120 years old?
  • Well he doesn’t want to but his parents are forcing him…

Smart grandpa Wi-Fi idea

Jack finally managed to gather all his grandsons at his home:

  • Listen to me kids; one day when I die I want you to place a Wi-Fi router on my grave.
  • But why grandpa?
  • So you can visit me more often you little rascals!

Not good enough for the circus

A man walks into a circus and says:

  • Good afternoon, I am looking for a job.

The manager of the circus looks at the man and says:

  • All right. Can you tell me what you know?
  • Well, I can imitate a bird!
  • That doesn’t impress me much. Anyone can do that. I am sorry we don’t need your services.

Disappointed, the man goes to the window, opens it and flies away.

Important Shark lesson

Mama shark is giving lessons to her baby shark – how to catch a man.

  • So, when you spot a human in the water start making circles around him for around 20 minutes.
  • But, mum what if I am very hungry?
  • Well, if you don’t mind eating a man full of shit go for it.

Fake it till we make it

A husband buys his wife a diamond ring for her birthday. His close friend found out about the beautiful gesture and he asks him:

  • It’s good that you have bought a diamond ring for your wife, but as I recall she wanted an expensive car?
  • Yes, you are right. But, tell me where can I find a fake expensive car?

Best Buddies For Life

Two campers are walking in the mountains when all of a sudden a bear comes out and they start to run for their lives. They are running around and one of the campers suddenly stops opens his bag and starts putting his running shoes on his feet. The other www.honeytraveler.com/pharmacy/ camper is confused and shocked and starts yelling:

  • What’s wrong with you, why are you stopping to put these shoes on when you know that you cannot outrun the bear!?
  • Well, I’ve figured out that it is enough if I outrun you.

It’s the same every year with this guy

A cruise ship sails near an isolated island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean and everyone on the deck notice a man on the island with a long beard and torn clothes who is yelling. The passengers ask the captain:

  • Captain, who’s that man on the island?
  • I really don’t know but every year when we pass near this island he acts crazy like that.

Best Magic Trick Ever

A magician asks for a visitor to step on the scene of his show. A guy accepts the request and the magician says take this hammer and hit my head as hard as you can. The man starts to hesitate:

  • No, I can’t do that. That’s insane!

But the magician insists so he does what he is asked to do.

Ten years later the magician wakes up in a hospital and says:

  • TA DA!!!

Never trust the magical window guy

A new restaurant on the 100th floor was opened in a city on the west coast of USA. A drunk man entered the restaurant and tried to convince the guests that the windows in the restaurant and everything around them is magical and If someone jumps through them they won’t fall. Of course, the guests www.mindanews.com/buy-ventolin/ didn’t believe him so he jumped and started hovering around! The guests of the restaurant were not waiting they’ve all rushed to do the same but they all fell down. Then the waiter turned toward the drunk man and said:

  • You know what? You are a real idiot when you are drunk Superman!

Smart dogs and their owners

Two dog owners are arguing whose dog is smarter.

  • My dog is very smart – says the first one – every morning he waits for the paperboy, gives him a tip and brings the newspaper on my table.
  • I know that – says the second dog owner.
  • How do you know that?
  • Well, my dog told me.

The ATM will fix it

An older gentleman enters a gym. He is working out for an hour when he notices an attractive young lady entering the gym. He calls the trainer and asks:

  • Which device should I use to impress this beautiful young lady?

The trainer looks at the man from head to toes and says:

  • I would suggest using the ATM down the hall.

Not that kind of virus

Grandma and her grandson are having a conversation:

  • Granny, my computer has a virus!
  • Oh my dear grandson, do you remember when I told you to wash your hands regularly!

Too much work

An old lady goes to the market, stands in front of one stand and asks the seller:

  • Excuse me, what is this?
  • Tomatoes!
  • All right. Give me 2 pounds but please pack each tomato separately.

The seller does that and the old lady asks:

  • And what are these?
  • Peppers.
  • Great, give me two pounds but please pack every pepper separately.

The seller does that and the old lady asks again:

  • What is this?
  • Beans, but they are not for sale!

The farm is real!

A dying grandmother tells her grandson:

  • I am dying and that’s why I want to leave you my farm. It includes fields, villa, tractor and some other equipment worth around 2 million dollars.

Her grandson is very happy and says:

  • Oh grandma! You are so kind! I didn’t even know that you have a farm where is it?

With her last breath his grandmother says:

  • On Facebook.